An infidelity friend asks,
“I am officially divorced as of last week and I just need some advice….
I am so heartbroken and worried about the future. I am 28 and I am divorced. My ex husband verbally and mentally abused me after discovery day, tormented me about his affair and refused me when I was sobbing out of control and needed him. Furthermore, he’d stay out all hours of the night and wouldn’t tell me where he’d been. His abusive behavior and tormenting words led me to believe that I was crazy and psychotic and that I was the one who needed to change. I found myself constantly apologizing to him. Then one day he texted me to say he’d left, and I came home to a half empty house.
My friends tell me I need to start dating but I am afraid of being judged and rejected. I am just afraid of so many things. How can I go on dates when I will be judged for being divorced. I was reading an article today about how 2nd marriages are more likely to end in divorce as well.
Why has god allowed the man who hurt me so badly find someone to comfort him? Meanwhile I am just here alone.
Any words of wisdom?
I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. Your private message to me and story tells of a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from him, and he’s damaged your psyche.
God has not allowed him to find someone to comfort him, he’s gone out on his own and found another victim to abuse. God is busy trying to get you to blossom again.
Firstly, stop thinking about him and what he has found, and start concentrating on yourself and what is out there for you in this world. He’s not worth a moment of your time. He is a control freak and has worked his craft on you. Do not use him as an example of what a good marriage can be, because I can assure you that many marriages are delightful and full of joy.
You will be married again someday, but you have some work to do on yourself first, and if you don’t, you may find yourself in a repeat performance. You did nothing wrong, you were honest and loyal and he was a manipulating scumbag. He damaged you and now you need to heal and repair.
You are beginning a new journey, and the things you do at the start of this journey, will shape and pave the pathway ahead.
Stop focusing on your worries, there’s nothing wrong with a divorced woman or man, and the stats you’re referring to belong to those who do nothing about the mistakes they made the first time around, only to commit them again with a different partner.
The mistakes you may have made, the insecurities you felt, the actions you took out of anger and fear, were all fueled by him. He brought out the worst in you, when you just wanted a white picket fence with a happy ending. He treated you like an animal backed into a corner, and you were acting out of self preservation.
This is not a time to start dating, it’ll come naturally when you’re ready and you are not ready. If you are feeling low self esteem, it’s because of what he’s done to you. Begin to take an interest in yourself. Start doing the things most 26 year-olds love to do. Join a sports group, or any sort of group that interests you, where you can meet new people, and start feeling appreciated and involved. If you need the company of a man, then seek one for pleasure, not for marriage.
Your personal life is yours alone, and you needn’t expose yourself in every conversation. The time will come when you no longer feel like a victim, and it will happen sooner if you unfasten yourself from him.
The mind is a mysterious and powerful thing and it can bring you down to the depths of depression, or lift you up to heights you’ve never imagined. Life is only ten percent of what happens to you, the other ninety is how you handle it.
Don’t let yourself fall. Get up and know that there’s a whole lot more living for you in this lifetime. You are a good person and there are many people out there waiting and wanting to meet someone like you.
I wish you strength and perseverance.