Infidelity Advice Or Throw Of Dice

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An infidelity friend asks,

” Dear Addy, I have a gem of an article about advice for the newly betrayed spouse from the Chumplady site. The advice she’s referring to is the advice many infidelity sites give, to wait six months before making any decisions. This advice is rampant and each time I read one of these it makes me cringe!

The Chumplady has a way of using analogies that make some of the routine advice given on most infidelity sites to newly betrayed spouses utterly ridiculous when you look at them from her perspective. What do you think of this article and way of thinking?

The article I’m referring to is here:
http://chumplady.com/2014/10/worst-infidelity-advice-ever/

I like her style of communication: straightforward with a shot of humour to ease the digestion. But her pill is a hard one to swallow for many who are in precarious life-changing situations and who seek to reconcile, as her mantra opposes reconciliation.

It’s a perspective that newly betrayed spouses could benefit from, if they are dealing with an unrepentant cheating spouse, or issues that cannot be resolved. But to those who’ve awoken from a train wreck and desperately need to gather their torn off limbs, it’s not likely to enter their realm. Sometimes we have to trudge through the mud, to cross over to the grassy knoll.

However, if one is dealing with a cheating spouse who is unrepentant, her advice sends a powerful message that can help many move onto the next chapter of their life.

I believe reconciliation is possible and each situation is dependent upon many factors.

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Seating Ten For Dinner

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A table manners friend asks,

“Dear Addy, we are having four couples over for dinner next month, and including us that makes dinner for ten. I am organizing it from top to bottom, and am having quite a bit of fun with it. I was wondering about the seating, and read online that it’s proper to separate couples so as to create a more dynamic evening of conversation. I am making up lovely place cards so everyone will know where to sit. What do you think of this, splitting up couples at a formal dinner?”

Traditionally, this is thought to be a good way to stimulate conversation between couples who spend most of their time together, and allows each person to act individually throughout the dinner. Many formal dinners are arranged in this way, however, not all guests are comfortable with this form of segregation.

What is of utmost importance when entertaining guests in your home is their level of comfort and enjoyment of the evening. A good host goes the extra yard to make certain that their guests feel at ease without any rules or regulations.

I am not fond of this type of seating as I find it can create more anxiety than it does dynamics in conversation. I prefer to allow my guests to seat themselves, as they wish. One cannot know the private marital situation of their coupled guests, and if there has been any form of marital distress, like infidelity, it would be completely remiss to seat, for example, a cheating spouse, next to the group flirt of the opposite sex, resulting in a very uncomfortable guest, and the host wondering why they haven’t touched their boeuf bourguignon. No thank you.

If you prefer to separate couples, then the recommendation is to seat them across from one another, alternating males and females, so you don’t have all the females on one side, and the males on the other.

Revenge Affair I Don’t Care

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An infidelity friend asks,

“Dear Addy, my husband had an affair and we are rebuilding and reconciling, but I have read about having a revenge affair, to make me feel better, I suppose, I don’t know. I just feel that if I did, I wouldn’t feel so sorrowful all the time, I just can’t bring myself to do it though. Should I care? Please tell me what you think about this.”

Having an affair requires quite a lot of time, thought and energy, and it’s not the natural reaction for a betrayed spouse; if it were, I’d be concerned.

For quite a while after discovery day, the thought of being intimate with anyone can bring on an immediate gag reflex, removing any chances of composing oneself enough to lure someone into your trap; and like a drunk who reeks of booze, the betrayed spouse would reek of retribution.

Now, having a fantasy or private thoughts about an affair or a revenge f**k, can be quite soothing to the wound, and expressing such desires to your cheating spouse, whilst watching them wince and whimper, can have an equally gratifying effect.

And on those days when you find yourself sharpening your knives incessantly for no apparent reason, and feel the need to take it up a notch, leading them to believe you’re still thinking about having one, can leave you with a delightfully warm and calming feeling.

Love At First Slight

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A dating & relationships friend asks,

“I’ve met someone and had that instant chemistry, so much so that I felt scared. The moment we met, I felt drawn in and instantly connected. But I’m scared that it’s too good to be true, that something might happen and I’ll be hurt and abandoned again. Sounds a little crazy, but I feel like this man and I are meant to be together, am I stupid to feel this way?

Anything with a fast start burns out eventually.

Chemistry between two people generally happens when you have come from similar backgrounds, feel immediately comfortable with one another, the conversation flows without stops, you enjoy their company because you have so much in common, and look forward to the next meeting with excitement because the more time you spend, the stronger this chemistry grows.

What you are describing is a physical infatuation. It can be compared to meeting someone you idolize, and who for some reason, finds you as interesting and attractive as you do them. You are physically stimulated by them to a point where you can’t understand your strong feelings, yet give in to them freely without question, well knowing that something isn’t quite right because it’s happening so fast, but feels too good to stop. Only every ride comes to a full stop at some point. When you reflect back, you realize it was too good to last.

Relationships of this sort are often wrought with highs and lows, just like a rollercoaster ride, and can have an addictive quality to those who parlay. Ride them often enough and the addiction drives you to believe it’s a necessary ingredient for a close and intimate relationship.

Desperately Seeking The Guy That Got Away

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A dating and relationships friend asks,

“I found the one who got away over a decade ago. I have his address and he lives a few miles from me. Long complicated story behind it, but am I crazy if I knock on his door or walk passed his house??? If he’s married and has kids, that is my closure. But I’m totally excited I found him. What would you do? Oh and we were friends for years before he disappeared from my life.”

“…before he disappeared from my life.”

Your own words should guide you somewhat on your decision, and due to your unfruitful past relationships and dating, I fear you may be acting out of desperation.

Time and nostalgia have a way of blocking the reality of the past, and we tend to garnish, prettify and glamorize details when we recall them. We do this for a number of reasons, but mostly to keep us sound.

Knocking on his door is intrusive and awkward, as he’ll probably be in the middle of something, and since you live across town and have no reason to be there, it will seem contrived and suspicious; not to mention the questions he’ll ask as to how you found him and the reason why you’ve shown up at his door.

Walking by his house, or hanging out, hoping to accidentally bump into him, or catch a glimpse of a wife and kids baking cookies through the kitchen window, will come across as nothing less than stalking. Digging into a man’s life, you once knew ten years ago, to see if he’s married, dating, or available, and having to knock on his front door to find out, is not a pretty place for a lady to be.

Stay strong, keep your head high, exercise, eat well, join personal interest groups, take your focus off of dating and place it on personal growth. Live the life you want to live, be the person you want to be with, and the right man will come your way. And in case he doesn’t, you’re living the life you want to live, you’re not waiting for it to happen.

I wish you well.

Girlfriend Vetoes Troubled Son

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A dating and relationship friend asks,

“My girlfriend wants to break up. My troubled 28 year old son, who basically lives on the streets in California, is a recovering heroin addict, with two felony charges and a warrant for his arrest in our state. He was recently stabbed and spent a week in hospital. His mother, my ex and I, helped him with medical and living costs for two weeks. He’s called me now for more money and I didn’t want to give it to him, as I have refused many times in the past, but in this case, I felt he needed it since he was still healing from the stabbing.

After giving him the money, I lost contact with him for a week, and I was worried. I didn’t say much to my girlfriend because she gets tired of hearing about it. Today he called, and I decided to give him an ultimatum. I did, and I did send him money but this is the last. I didn’t tell my girlfriend about the money, just that he lost his phone and she still went a bit crazy.

She is 65, attractive, and a nice person, lives alone, has not remarried in 22 years but wants to marry me. She called and told me I need to break up with her, even though she loves me because my son will always be a part of my life and he will always need rescuing and will cause me stress and her too.

Some of that I guess is true. But even like last night, I was in a great mood even not knowing where he was, we went dancing, laughed a lot, and had a great time. Yet she is really troubled by this situation. I am 64, I was married 34 years, and I am not sure if I am ready for marriage but I don’t really want to break up but she is forcing the issue. I do love her, but I think if you love someone you stick by them. I am usually very happy, I am very active at 64 and run 5K and do very well. I believe in living.

So I am puzzled. Please give me your thoughts.”

I’m sorry to hear that your son is such a burden to you, and I hope that with time, he will find his way and recover.

Your female friend sounds nice, and indeed she is trying to control matters. She wants to secure a relationship with you, and your son is giving her cold feet. She’s thinking of herself and her future with you and the repercussions your son may have on your marriage. For her to want to break up over this would normally seem like an unreasonable request, considering you are both in love and wanting a future together.

However, that being said, at sixty-five, who wants to be bothered with an unruly, drug addicted 20-something year old stepson, who is a felon with an arrest warrant, who refused to attend court proceedings to clear his name, and calls Daddy every time he needs a bailout? With his curriculum vitae, I can see why she’s concerned.

She must feel that your son will be trouble for a long time coming. You have baggage, where as she has a small carry-on. She’s ready to retire for a life of dancing and laughing, her golden years, but her fun stops when your phone rings, and your attention shifts away from her and onto him.

Children of your son’s age can be selfish, especially when they have drug dependency issues. They think only of their high, the next three hours, and what they’re going to eat. They care only for those who are sympathetic and can support them, AKA give them money?

You say you are not sure if you’re ready for marriage, perhaps you should investigate these feelings to see where they’re coming from. If you are committed to her but not ready to marry, ask her if she’ll consider living common-law to see if you are compatible.

Infidelity Advice From The-Other-Woman

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An infidelity persona non grata asks,

“I had an affair with a married man a long time ago for 3 years. I loved him SO much and I believed he loved me, at least enough to tell his wife about it and he was torn. No children, thank goodness. We were good together in all ways – as friends, lovers, and felt a wonderful comfort with each other. He was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I never pressured him to leave his wife, but I did pressure him at times to make some choices. We even went to therapy together, after which I got scared because it became very real to me that perhaps things would not change.

I wanted to end it too for fear of a disastrous ending. I tried but couldn’t do it. Today, in retrospect, I wish I had the character to have never begun the affair. Affairs (no matter how wonderful they may be) don’t usually end with happiness.

One day, he just ran away from the whole situation because he could not choose and I was devastated. I just wish I had the strength to end it when I should have (and still have a choice) instead of waiting for a very bad ending.

To some wives out there….sometimes, people can fall in love with another person and while I believe in the bonds & loyalty of marriage, love is a hard thing to break.

With some men it’s not a big deal; but in his case it was. I never meant to hurt his wife; that’s for sure. I wanted to talk to her, but all I got were nasty words. I understand that too but it’s hard to let go of love, don’t you think?

A question asked in response to hers by another poster:

Why don’t you wish that you had the character to have never begun the affair?

Her response to this comment:

“Actually, I did have the character to not start the affair (at least for 6 months). We became friends long before we became intimate. Yes, I knew he was married and I suppressed my feelings until I couldn’t.

Passion/love is a powerful thing, and in a moments time, I gave into my feelings. I actually don’t regret what we had (and still have from long distance). The only thing I regret is hurting his wife. They are no longer married, but by that time I was out of the picture. Who are you to judge someone’s overall character?”

Well he is a human being, and that’s what we do, judge character.

Since your logic and sensibility disagrees with mine, I will do my best to help you understand yours. And since my time is limited, I have chosen this indelible quote to assist you in your understanding. But I’ve also chosen it because to ignore this testimonial–sent out like a beacon to wives all over the world–would be blasphemous and remiss of me.

To some wives out there….sometimes, people can fall in love with another person and while I believe in the bonds & loyalty of marriage, love is a hard thing to break.

I can imagine this statement would do well as a warning sign posted at the marriage registry office.

Now, allow me to rephrase this concise and beguiling quote in a realistic and insightful perspective, elongated to include the delicious nooks and crannies, that bring out all the flavour.

Your quote would read:

‘To the many wives out there who have been betrayed by wayward women like myself. We sometimes find your husbands attractive, and when there is nothing going on in our lives, decide we want to become friends, nothing more really, I just wanna get to know him as a friend. But after about six months of being friends, I can’t stop wetting my linens over the thoughts of turning this innocent friendship–no really it was– into an adulterous affair; and the thoughts of it are too exquisite to ignore.

I know he’s married, and I do believe in the sacred union of marriage, and all that crap about bonds and loyalty, but I’m not in a marriage, so it doesn’t apply to me. If he wants me, which I think he does after six months of flirting and carefully selecting my wardrobe each morning, then how is that wrong?

Now I’ve fallen in love and I want to spend the rest of my life with another woman’s husband. I tried to talk to her but all I got was vinegar, I do feel sorry for her though. If she told me that she really wanted him back then I probably would have stepped away. I took him to therapy to see if I could rope him into marrying me, but it all blew up in my face and he ran away. I wish I could have left him first as it sucks to be the one who got dumped.’

There, now that I’ve added some organically certified sea salt, how does it taste?

What you understand to be passion and love is generally regarded as desperation and infatuation. Love comes from a true and honest union, between two unattached individuals, not from one that is wrought from repugnance and destined for damnation, as you have clearly discovered.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my tea is getting cold.

Invitation For Dinner Trap

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A social graces friend asks,

“Dear Addy, is it proper for a couple to invite you over for dinner, and once you’ve confirmed, they invite ten others for dinner on the same night, when we thought we were being invited for dinner for four? We don’t know any of these people who have been invited, and in honesty, we don’t know the couple very well either. We don’t mind dining with them, on an infrequent basis, but I thought it was rather rude and imposing as we don’t know this couple very well at all.

When I responded saying I had no idea it was going to be a large group saying I assumed it was just the four of us, they replied saying they thought it would be an excellent opportunity to meet some of the other couples they socialize with.

As time went by, I became uncomfortable with trapping us like that, and ended up declining only to receive a snotty response accusing us of cancelling the last three of four times we’ve been invited, which isn’t true, but they were obviously miffed.

I was flabbergasted that they had the nerve to respond like that, all considering. I  replied by saying, ‘I didn’t realize we were being invited to meet some of the couples you socialize with’, adding that we’d love to have dinner in the coming weeks, but have to decline this time around. What I felt like saying was, ‘look here you, you tricked us into accepting an invitation and that’s what you get when you try to sneak something in the side door instead of coming to the front.’ We’ve never heard back from them. What do you think of all this?

It’s never appropriate, acceptable or polite to sneak anything past the front door and in through the side gate, most especially ten guests you don’t know.

It’s imprudent to entrap friends into a cozy dinner for four with the intention of turning it into a barbecue for twelve to meet other couples they socialize with after you’ve accepted an invitation for four. It’s poor judgement and callous behaviour.

It’s my guess they felt that had you known of their intentions, you would have declined the invitation originally. I too would have easily declined after accepting.

When inviting guests for dinner, a proper host always tells their guests who’s attending. The exception to this rule is when it’s an event larger than a group of twenty or so. I hope they’ve learned their lesson.

 

 

Clinking Away Evil Spirits!

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A table manners friend asks,

“Dear Adelaide, I have been having a discussion with a friend about the reason one clinks their glass after a toast and before drinking.”

In less civilized times it was customary to clink glasses before imbibing in order to eschew any evil spirits dancing about in your libation; hence the reason one didn’t drink alone. It was believed that evil spirits entered the body through the ingestion of alcoholic spirits, possessing the body and poisoning the mind of the occupant. By clinking glasses, it was believed that the loud sound would disperse the evil spirits, leaving you free and clear to swill the night away.

It is for the same reason that cathedrals would, and may I add still do, sound off church bells before services, to ward off any evil spirits lurking in the pews and dark confessionals.

Bromance Trumps Romance

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A dating and relationships friend asks,

“My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me last night. We’ve had a wonderful relationship, however, his buddies were never very nice to me. They’re a bunch of losers who drink non stop and get up to no good. They all have potty mouths and none of them have a serious girlfriend. I’ve voiced how I feel about them to him and he doesn’t see anything wrong with them.

We have spoken about marriage and he’s been keen on the idea of getting married in a year or two’s time. However, we had a fight last week about his friends keeping him out at all hours. When I asked him where they went, he admitted to going to a strip club but wouldn’t give details as to why he was out till five in the morning.

He tells me that his friends say he’s changed a lot since I’ve met him and they don’t like what they see. They couldn’t give him a particular reason, just that it’s a change they don’t like. So after thinking long and hard about it, he tells me that we need to break up.

I am heartbroken and don’t know what to do. I thought he was the one, and I thought that with time, he’d tire of his friends, mature a little, and want to spend more time together, instead of always looking to hook up with them. Why would someone who says they love you so much, turn their back on you like this?”

We are judged by the company we keep. If you think his friends are trashy…

That should answer some of your questions as to why he’d do this. He’s obviously not who you thought he was. He’s not an individual, he needs his friends to make him feel whole. They’ve formed a pack, and the pack decides who he can and cannot engage with. They’re little boys playing in their tree house.

Be grateful that he’s shown you his true colors, and has spared you a lifetime of nonsense and aggravation.