An infidelity friend asks,

I’ve been married for seven years. I met another guy through my friend group. We connected and started a friendship. I found out on New Years Eve that he likes me more than a friend. We expressed our feelings recently and both agree we can’t be physical with each other. His ex cheated on him so he doesn’t want my husband to go through what he went through. I’m struggling because I don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying to work on the “holes” in my marriage. My husband is very anti-social and I am very social. I want someone to be with me on social outings – he just doesn’t. We only do things together as a couple…never with other people. So, do I tell my husband about this friend? Do I separate from my husband to work on myself and start over?”

Can you be honest with yourself and answer, how you would feel, if your husband came to you with the same story you’re telling here?

If you don’t have enough in common with your husband to sustain your marriage, why not deal with that? Get counselling and try to make it work, or separate, or commence divorce proceedings. The fact that you’ve met this special friend is what’s making it easy for you to think that your marriage is done, and that it’s okay for you to secretly have feelings for someone your husband thinks is just a friend. You are not being honest with him or yourself.

Now this is going to sound harsh, but it’s reality.

What you describe is textbook behaviour for a cheating spouse. You feel a void in your life and blame it mostly on your husband. You feel entitled to your desires and rationalize your behaviour of joining a friend group. You meet someone who feeds your ego, and tells you a story about how infidelity happened to him, and how he’d never do that to your husband; what a gentleman. You call him a friend, because it’s an easier pill to swallow, and tell yourself it’s okay to have this special friend, since you’re not getting what you want in your marriage.

The rift between you and your husband widens, as the bond between you and the special friend grows. The romance sizzles, and the marriage rift is all the proof and justification you need for a green light, and you’re good to go.

It’s a highly orchestrated scenario, that many cheating spouses fog themselves into believing is happenstance – “I never meant for it to happen, really.” It’s not, it’s calculated, dishonest, and deceitful.

If this special friend has been cheated upon, and is truly authentic, he wouldn’t, for a moment, entertain the idea of what you are both doing. He says he’s been cheated on, and would never put your husband in that position, yet isn’t he now doing that very thing? Could it be that he was the cheating spouse, in his marriage, and adulterated the story to woo you in?

What would happen if it all comes out, you destroy your husband and your marriage in the process, and in the midst of all the turmoil, your special friend doesn’t pan out. Are you willing to take that risk?

I hope you give this more thought, because what you’re doing will devastate your husband, and have long term effects on the both of you. 

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