A dating and relationships friend asks,
“Recently I started chatting to a guy who shares very similar interests and enjoys many of the same or similar outdoor activities as me. After chatting online for a while, for the first meeting he suggested I come around to his house for a walkr so he could show me the beautiful area near where he lives.
Initially I was a little wary of doing that, as I normally prefer to meet in public places like a coffee shop, but I got a good feeling from our chatting, and went to meet him. The date went extremely well, conversation was easy and he was nice and respectful, honestly, just the perfect gentleman.
A few days later he texts me to ask if I’d like to meet again. When I agreed he said he wanted to come around to my house so he could basically see how I lived. When I said I wasn’t exactly comfortable about that for several reasons that I gave, I suggested we meet somewhere for a walk and a picnic. His response was something like, I am looking for more than a meetup activity pal, and wouldn’t I rather go around to his house if I didn’t feel comfortable having him come around to mine.
Am I crazy to think that we need to do activities together so we can get to know each other a bit? Is his behaviour a bit strange, he didn’t show any affection on our first date? Was he wanting to fast track to a physical relationship and is that why he’s so keen for us to meet at our houses?
I texted back for clarification on the meetup activity pal and this was his response to my text:
“Didn’t have anything unusual in mind if that’s what you’re asking. I wanted to see your house to see the way you live etc., and your neighbourhood, it’s very telling. Then the next time I may have ask you over for dinner or barbecue then maybe take you out in my boat or go for a paddle in the cove. The next time I thought you could have me over. People reciprocate. Didn’t think it was unusual.”
So he probably wasn’t necessarily looking for a quick hookup, but I still didn’t feel very comfortable about this suggestion right from the start. His house was immaculate and perfectly groomed in every way, so I was sure he’d judge me badly on that. I cannot tell you how uncomfortable this all made me feel.
Anyway he sent me a message last night to say his gut tells him this is not going to work out between us so there is no point pursuing it any further. I suppose I should be grateful he at least had the decency to say that and not just vanish into thin air like many others I have met on the dating site.”
I must say, I believe your insecurities got in the way of meeting, dating and engaging with quite a nice and intelligent gentleman.
His immaculate house made you feel fairly sure he’d judge you, and this insecure thinking led you to feel vulnerable, and you fought back by turning a simple request to see your place and find more out about you, into a strange and creepy scenario.
What in his gentlemanly actions led you to believe he was after your tail? Your instincts were off and you’re demonstrating poor judgement.
Activities, since you ask, are a healthy and stimulating way of getting to know people. Unlike the static catacombs of dark coffee shops, they’re interactive, multilevel, layered experiences that trigger our sensory perception, unleashing powerful stimuli that supercharge the experience, and catapults it to higher levels of closeness and enjoyment in shorter periods of time. In other words, you’re making the most of it.
You feel that the condition of your home, AKA “how I really live”, compared to his, would tell too much about you, and that’s something you’re not willing to share at the moment. And I’m certain that some of the “many reasons” you gave him, made this quite clear. Furthermore, he’s opened his doors to you, and has done so first, as should any gentleman. He let you in to see all, and allowed himself to be totally vulnerable to your judgement; an experience you claim to have thoroughly enjoyed. Yet when it comes to your turn, you run about closing the blinds and locking the door.
He is a smart dater, and doesn’t waste any time meeting in coffee shops.
I hope you can take something positive away from this.