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An infidelity friend asks,

“How do I stop loving him? My husband left me for another woman who was my friend. Ancient story, he said I was the perfect wife but he’s a mess and doesn’t deserve me. Then he divorced me and within a couple of months he married her. It’s over, I know, but how do you stop loving someone you thought would be your soul mate for life? What do you do with the pain? It’s been a year since we separated, six months since the divorce was final and three months since I found out he was married.”

If you can come to terms with what he’s done to you, and how he’s manipulated you, your nostalgic feelings of love will evaporate simultaneously.

He never was your soul mate, he manipulated you to make you believe he was, just as your friend manipulated you to believe she wasn’t fucking your husband. Somehow, he also managed to convince you, after you discovered the affair with your friend, that you were the perfect wife, but that he’s a mess and doesn’t deserve you. So because of this, he does the honorable thing by divorcing you to marry the other woman, who was once your friend.

He’s a manipulating scumbag and you’ve fallen for his craft. Once you are able to see him for who he is, and can shake off the sludge he’s coated you in, you’ll be able to see just how cunning and deceitful he’s been.

The way you say, “ancient story”, tells me there’s a sensitivity here, and that you haven’t healed from this head-on collision of a wreck. The sooner you deal with what really happened to you, the sooner you will see that he is not even remotely lovable, could never have been your soul mate, and doesn’t deserve you, which is the only thing he got right.

You are still feeling codependent, and perhaps need to seek psychotherapy to help you understand how this all happened to you, or you will take that co-dependence with you to the next relationship. But most important, it will help you see that you are a good person, you did not deserve what happened to you, what he did was wrong, and what she did was even worse. They are both toxic to your well being.

Take the necessary steps to heal yourself. Reach out to family and friends, join a group or club where you can meet new people and feel admired and involved.

I wish you strength and perseverance.

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