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An infidelity friend asks,

“I’m at an all time low, but the last thing I want is for this to be an ending point to my marriage. We have two children together and have been married for three years.  I found him once again talking to females and deleting the messages. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t deal with the hurt. I tried over and over to forgive and forget but that can only happen so much. I still want to make this work, I didn’t get in a relationship, have kids and get married, just to give up. As far as I know he seems like he wants to try. My only thing is I feel like I need to place guidelines and give him an ultimatum. I know it may sound like a death sentence to a relationship but I feel some rules have to be set.”

Forgive your loved ones, but don’t be fool enough to forget. Yes, you do need to put guidelines into place, but more important, he has to agree and want to do them. If he feels like he’s been scolded for playing in a dirty sandbox, and thinks nothing of it, he’ll do it again, once the coast is clear. And if he’s the sort who feels entitled to a private life of talking to other women, then an ultimatum is paramount, and it goes something like this:

“If this happens again, I’m not sure how I’ll react, I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive you, and it may end our marriage.” Then ask him, “How do you feel about this?”

His answer will be telltale, and if he can’t agree or understand the importance of stopping his nonsense, then you have some serious decisions to make, as morals are a tough trick to teach old dogs.

If he agrees with you, take the opportunity to find out why he’s doing it. Without knowing why, he won’t be able to fix the problem. Many cheating spouses don’t know why they’ve done what they’ve done. They may fog out the reasons why, or they may be emotionally incapable of figuring it out, or they simply don’t want to go there because it causes them discomfort. Poor baby.

I wish you strength and resolve. 

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