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An infidelity friend asks,

“In 2013 I caught my then fiancée texting with his ex girlfriend and lying to me about it. I’d notice her name on the screen when I glanced down, but when I’d ask who he was texting, he’d say it was his cousin or buddy from work etc. At the time I told him that I knew he had lied to me and we talked things through and he promised me they were only talking as friends and the only reason he lied about it was because he didn’t want to upset me. I told him that as long as he was being truthful about their friendship that I would be okay with him maintaining that relationship. I know it’s really not my place to tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, but at the same time I think it is okay for me to tell my partner when one of his friendships is making me uncomfortable.
March 2014 I caught him sexting the same woman (our wedding was now just three months away).  He promised me he would see a therapist and we would talk about what happened, but the months leading up to the wedding were extremely busy and anything that didn’t have something to do with making that day happen, got pushed to the back burner. Well he hasn’t done any of the things he promised me he would do. I have asked him many times between then and now to make good on his promises and tried to make him understand that this is something I need in order to feel like our marriage can be healthy and happy; but it’s gotten to the point where whenever I bring it up he tells me that I’m the one who has the problem, that my jealousy and ‘hair trigger anger’ are the problem and it’s because of me holding on to things that our relationship isn’t healed already.
I want to forgive him but I feel like something needs to change, like there has to be some kind of concrete effort on his part before I can forgive him; like if there isn’t some tangible change I’m only putting myself in harms way again and waiting for him to hurt me again.
I don’t even know if I have a question hidden in there, but I don’t know where else to start.”

Oh my dear, where do I begin? I’m sorry you have found yourself in the situation you are now in.

I assume from your timeline that you have married and are currently husband and wife.

It sounds like the infidelity issue wasn’t resolved, not the one in 2013 nor the incident in 2014. You’ve placed a rubber patch on the leak, and now that you’ve cast off to sea, you’re taking on water.

If he is berating you for wanting to discuss the issue, this is a problem, and one that is not simple to amend. If he is blaming you for not healing, that too is a sign of his emotionally immaturity, a condition quite common with many men.

However, all dysfunctions aside, if he can be completely transparent and allow you, at anytime, access to his cellphone and records, all emails, visa statements, passwords to his web activities, etc., that may help you feel more secure in your vessel.

If he cannot adhere to this, then this as a problem, and you’ll be bailing water endlessly. In a marriage, or partnership of any kind, there are no secrets, and nothing is private. Your books are completely open to one another. Private moments or thoughts are for those who have something to hide.

I wish you resolve and and happiness.

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