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An infidelity friend asks,

“How important is it to know the details of what my cheating spouse (CS) has been up to after our discovery day? Is it important to know everything? He’s completely remorseful and doing everything he can, reading about it, asking for my forgiveness, telling me he loves me, severed all contact with the other woman (OW), and wants to rebuild. Is it important that I ask about the details of his texts? He’s deleted them all and even though I could see a few of hers, one which said she loved him, he promises that he’s never told her he loved her. Do I persist and demand more details about the affair and what was in the texts he deleted? Will this hinder my chances of rebuilding the relationship? Or will not knowing the details come back to haunt me down the road?”

If you want to rebuild your relationship, these are some things to consider.

Can you live without knowing the details, and can you move forward without feeling any panic or anxiety over not knowing anymore than what he’s told you? If so, then yes, you can move forward and rebuild a relationship without the details. Providing, and that’s a tall providing, that he’s completely remorseful, has taken the shame, is doing his part in rebuilding by being transparent, severing all contact with the other woman, deleting any mementos and photos, is sincerely wanting to rebuild, and is catering to your emotional needs.

But if you feel like you’ve been kicked in the stomach and your gut is telling you otherwise, then yes, it’s very important that you know exactly what he’s been up to.

The dangers of not knowing and letting the cheating spouse (CS) tell you what they think is suitable for your ears, is that most cheaters are liars by nature. They lie to suit their needs and selfish behavior. The biggest lie they tell is when they say they didn’t tell you because they were trying to protect you, when more likely, it’s to protect themselves.

Upon discovery day, the CS will only admit to what they’ve been caught with. It’s a common behavior to have selectively forgotten the damaging details of their indiscretions; you want desperately to believe them, but your smoking gun is telling you otherwise. 

Some CS’s never fess up. Some of the reasons are they want to return to their cheating partner, are still caught in what is known as “the fog”, or they want out of the relationship. CS’s that want to rebuild and truly don’t want to be with their cheating partners, often confess once you break them down emotionally, or tell them you’re leaving.

So my answer is yes, it is of utmost importance to know exactly what your CS has been up to.