Be the Person You Want to Be With

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An emotional well-being friend asks,

“I am a divorcee who does not believe in love at first sight; it’s just an infatuation. I’m 31 and ready to embark on the next chapter of my life, and need a strong and healthy relationship. Someone I know recommended a matchmaking service, and said a dating agency helped him find his dream girl. What do you think of these services, as I’m thinking of signing up on one?”

At 29, I too had dreams and a wanton desire for a life partner. I intuitively believed that he was out there, and that it was just a matter of time before he’d come along. Well I kissed a lot of ugly toads, and discovered the mistake I was making, is that I was looking externally for a life partner, when the best life partner I could ever find, was within me.

I realized that searching for someone else to make me feel whole, complete, energized, and fulfilled, was a cop-out, and a fantasy that I had created. I learned that if you can be the person you want to be with, everything changes.

I have heard that these matchmaker sites can be expensive, and I would imagine most candidates on them are of the slightly older set, or married to their work, with little time for social pleasantries.

Give yourself the life you want. Be the gorgeous person you are within, and let yourself shine, and you will be a magnet for things you never imagined could happen.

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Matrimonial Dignity or Destiny?

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An infidelity friend asks,

“My husband has a long history of having inappropriate relationships with people via text, email, and facebook. On one occasion I know that he left the house to go meet up with someone he met. Each time I’ve caught him online searching the singles ads, he’s apologized and promised to never do it again.

Now I find out he’s talking to a girl that is friends with alot of our friends. This girl is one that I have a bad feeling about. I’ve asked that he stop talking to her because I’ve heard from multiple mutual friends that she’s untrustworthy and gets enjoyment out of breaking up relationships. He told me he has stopped, yet when I look at his cell phone records, he talked to her for half an hour yesterday morning.

He complains that we don’t have enough sex, so apparently multiple times a week isn’t enough. Last night he was at the point where he was going to leave because he said he doesn’t want to keep hurting me. This is my 3rd marriage, and all 3 of them have been unfaithful… Really makes me wonder what is wrong with me and why am I not good enough.”

It has nothing to do with you, or why you’re not good enough, but rather that you have a susceptibility for choosing the wrong type of man for a longterm monogamous relationship. We have all been there.

People lie when they’re dating, or perhaps skew the truth, to make themselves more eligible and attractive. This is why it’s so important to pay attention, from the outset, and take their past into consideration, and not dismiss red flags, no matter how insignificant at the time. If you question something, there’s a reason for it.

Too often we become attached to someone, who’s met most of our standards, only to stave off lonliness and cravings, and end up with someone who isn’t the person we thought they were, or should be with.

Some people are obsessed with the nerve endings on their genitals, and don’t have enough personal interests to tend to, and default to private sexual stimulation. When one spends too much time doing this, their form of stimulation changes, and their compatibility with monogamy goes out the window. They fog themselves to believe that this is who they are meant to be. It’s smallmindedness and base, and its rampant in this world of easy access, and the dire need for distraction.

If he said maybe he should leave because he doesn’t keep wanting to hurt you, he’s telling you something. I don’t think he has the intention or ability to curb his habits. He doesn’t seem to understand that what he’s doing, is dismantling your marriage, without any consideration to you.

You have the choice of altering your relationship and allowing such, or refusing to do so, declare your boundaries, and make the necessary decisions and changes to find your true happiness.

Emotional Affair or Fanfare

An infidelity friend asks,

I’ve been married for seven years. I met another guy through my friend group. We connected and started a friendship. I found out on New Years Eve that he likes me more than a friend. We expressed our feelings recently and both agree we can’t be physical with each other. His ex cheated on him so he doesn’t want my husband to go through what he went through. I’m struggling because I don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying to work on the “holes” in my marriage. My husband is very anti-social and I am very social. I want someone to be with me on social outings – he just doesn’t. We only do things together as a couple…never with other people. So, do I tell my husband about this friend? Do I separate from my husband to work on myself and start over?”

Can you be honest with yourself and answer, how you would feel, if your husband came to you with the same story you’re telling here?

If you don’t have enough in common with your husband to sustain your marriage, why not deal with that? Get counselling and try to make it work, or separate, or commence divorce proceedings. The fact that you’ve met this special friend is what’s making it easy for you to think that your marriage is done, and that it’s okay for you to secretly have feelings for someone your husband thinks is just a friend. You are not being honest with him or yourself.

Now this is going to sound harsh, but it’s reality.

What you describe is textbook behaviour for a cheating spouse. You feel a void in your life and blame it mostly on your husband. You feel entitled to your desires and rationalize your behaviour of joining a friend group. You meet someone who feeds your ego, and tells you a story about how infidelity happened to him, and how he’d never do that to your husband; what a gentleman. You call him a friend, because it’s an easier pill to swallow, and tell yourself it’s okay to have this special friend, since you’re not getting what you want in your marriage.

The rift between you and your husband widens, as the bond between you and the special friend grows. The romance sizzles, and the marriage rift is all the proof and justification you need for a green light, and you’re good to go.

It’s a highly orchestrated scenario, that many cheating spouses fog themselves into believing is happenstance – “I never meant for it to happen, really.” It’s not, it’s calculated, dishonest, and deceitful.

If this special friend has been cheated upon, and is truly authentic, he wouldn’t, for a moment, entertain the idea of what you are both doing. He says he’s been cheated on, and would never put your husband in that position, yet isn’t he now doing that very thing? Could it be that he was the cheating spouse, in his marriage, and adulterated the story to woo you in?

What would happen if it all comes out, you destroy your husband and your marriage in the process, and in the midst of all the turmoil, your special friend doesn’t pan out. Are you willing to take that risk?

I hope you give this more thought, because what you’re doing will devastate your husband, and have long term effects on the both of you. 

Dating 101: Is It Okay To Date More Than One

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A dating friend asks,

“Dear Addy, what is the proper dating etiquette when dating more than one person. I mean, is it okay to do this, do you tell your dates that you are also dating others? I want to leave my options open and not fall for the first person, but I don’t want to hurt anyone either.”

Honesty is always the best policy, and to ensure you are not deceiving your dates, keep a strict code of conduct, and keep it intact.

Never date more than one person at a time, as it diminishes your intentions of getting to know this person, and it diminishes their importance to you.

Telling your date that you are dating others makes you sound like you’re presently interviewing and will get back to them with your final decision if they meet your standards, and this is no way to start a relationship.

Date only one person at a time, and make a decision by the end of your third or forth date as to whether the person is worthwhile going forward. Don’t second-guess yourself, don’t cut them any slack, and don’t drag it on beyond its expiry date, just make a final decision, yes or no.

If you have met others you are interested in meeting, or have others in the works, keep it at a chatting/emailing/texting level, and do not meet with them in person until you are completely free and committed. One can often learn a lot about a person via chats and conversations without meeting in person.

Once you’ve decided to pursue encounters beyond the third or forth date, let all of your chatting persons know that you are currently interested in someone, and would like to take a break from having contact with them so that you can give this person your undivided attention. Your chatting persons will admire this act of integrity and will think well of you, as this is how they would want to be treated.

If your date does not work out, you can contact your chatting persons and let them know you are now free to see them, or continue chatting, whichever suits your situation best. If they are no longer available or become incensed, so be it, life goes on, as should you.

No one likes to be second fiddle, and dating more than one person can confuse you and your dates. It’s disrespectful and loathesome and can often kill your chances at meeting the right person, because anyone worthwhile, would not put up with it.

Cheating Husband I Want The Full Monty

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An infidelity friend asks,

“My husband and I have been getting along better since his infidelity. We communicate more, he allows me to see his phone, and I have his password to his email. But I’m still having a hard time because I have no answers from the questions I asked. I just want my answers so we can fully move on. We’re not fighting like we use to, but I’d like to know Addy, can one ever move past it and reconcile without your questions being answered?”

Reconciling is difficult at best, but when a cheating spouse refuses to answer questions, it makes it nearly impossible, unless of course, you’re a block of ice.

A cheating spouse who will not divulge details, feigns memory loss, or is unwilling to answer your questions, is protecting himself and the affair partner, and has not come clean with you. In worse situations, they may be protecting others like friends, or acquaintances you may know, who either knew about the affair, assisted in it, or were actually involved in it.

Not knowing can fester, and like an unattended wound, it oozes and matures into an infection. When we don’t know the details, they haunt us, and in a state of grief, we embellish them beyond reality; causing irreparable damage, and an impasse to rebuilding. Until you have those answers, you won’t be able to close that door and move forward in peace.

Details are everything, and knowledge is power, and it gives you the full monty, allowing you to make an informed decision. Denying you this information, renders you powerless and keeps you in a state of betrayal. It’s time to reclaim your power.

I wish you well.

Missing The Greener Grass

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A relationships friend asks,

Last year my husband and I were going through a very difficult time and ended up separating. During my separation I became very close friends to a guy that I worked with at the time, and nothing sexually ever happened between us.

My husband and I have given things a second try, but this marriage is not much better than it was before. This last winter I fell in love with this friend, I haven’t seen or spoken to him on the phone in months. On occasion we say hi in email, but that is it.
I miss him every day and it makes me incredibly sad. If I wasn’t married we would be together now, as he cares about me very much, but keeps his distance because of the situation.

The hardest thing is that I just cannot seem to get over him, I think about him all the time, and miss him dearly. We never even held hands and still I cannot shake all these feelings I have for him. What do I do Addy?”

The mind is a powerful entity and it can lead us to believe many scenarios, all of which rely highly on our current state of mind.

You met when you were experiencing a tender time, and you bonded with him more intensely since you had just separated from your husband and desired the closeness of someone who cared about you; it’s a very common reaction.

You had a taste of something so delicious that you cannot get that taste out of your mouth. You’ve tasted it but you didn’t get the chance to swallow, to see how it digests. He might seem like the perfect man for you, but you won’t know until you have been with him as a lover and partner. You say you love him, yet you have not been intimate with him.

The grass always shines greener on the other side; and you’ve had the opportunity to jauntily perch yourself on the edge of it’s grassy knoll.

You’ve taken back your husband to reconcile, yet your lawn is turning yellow and requires tending. Can you say you’re placing all your energy into making it exciting again?

The less happy you are in your marriage, the more exciting and enticing this other man will seem to you. The more you fantasize about him, the more likely you’ll come to eventually do something erratic that you may regret.

I wish you strength and resolve. "

Boobs Ahoy!

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An emotional well-being friend asks,

“My body has been depressing me, I’m now in my twenties and I’m two sizes bigger in bottoms and two sizes smaller in tops. Dresses never fit me properly as I always have to take the chest in, and I can’t wear a green (fave color) dress, or I look like a pear. When I put on a bit of weight, my stomach bulges out farther than my boobs which are more like mosquito bites. I want surgery so badly but I’m scared of what people will think. I really only want a b cup because I wouldn’t want anyone to notice that I’ve had a boob job. I’m scared of the pain but I also want to fit into dresses….. please help.”

Before you endow the top, why not try curtailing the bottom with diet and exercise to see if this really is the problem. The pear is a common muliebral shape, for obvious reasons, and has been revered by mankind since the dawn of time.

Breast augmentation comes with a lot of bother; it starts with an inflation of your chest, and quickly rises to the head. You may think you want a b-cup, but after your initial consultation at the surgeon’s office, you’ll be contemplating a c, and find yourself posing in a mirror just to see the effects of a d.

Once endowed and fresh off the press, the discomfort dominoes from the head and chest, to the back and neck. And this is caused from the constant motion of bending down to meet the eye level of most men and curious women.

Cosmetic and plastic surgical modifications are often driven by emotional issues that should be tended to alongside the surgical procedure.

Run Like The Dickens

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A relationships friend asks,

“Hi there, I’m 24, been in a relationship with a guy for over a year now…

A month or so ago I found out he was using a messaging app to contact other people, specifically a girl he said he randomly found on another website. There were very inappropriate conversations, which led on for 3-4 months. He would tell her “I love you” and things similar to that.

Needless to say I was floored, wrecked, speechless. When confronted, he said that it was just for fun, he got a kick out of preying on someone else’s emotions. Now I’m not sure whats worse- what he claims he was doing or if he was truly having an online relationship..

We have been working through this and getting to a better place-however tonight…. tonight I discovered that he contacted a transsexual hooker 2 months prior to the start of our relationship. He maintains he met up with her but couldn’t go through with it.

I still love him, and I know he is still a good guy at heart. But how do I get past all this? Am I being blind? I feel I can’t turn to my friends because it is so embarrassing… HELP!!”

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I’m sorry that you have found yourself in this situation.

When you say,

When confronted, he said that it was just for fun, he got a kick out of preying on someone else’s emotions.

If this statement is true, he is a sick individual.

If this statement isn’t true, and he has used it to throw you off the truth, he’s a sick individual.

If this statement is true, combined with the fact that he’s been lying to you, he’s a sick individual, and one you could do without.

Run like the dickens!

Boyfriend’s Broken Promise

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 A dating and relationships friend asks,

“My birthday was a few months ago and my boyfriend offered to buy me a new phone. He sent his daughter money for her birthday the previous week but when my birthday came, no phone and said he would give me the money instead. A week later, still nothing. A week after that, he told me he gave his mom money for her birthday, and still no phone. I was very disappointed but I try not to show it. I know he didn’t forget it, he just doesn’t mention it. I figure there were some money issues but that didn’t affect the ability to give gifts to the family. I was very disappointed because in the past he has always kept his promises. Why does this still bother me? I want to forget about it but every time I see him using his phone, I remember his offer to buy me the same one. Is this a red flag of broken promises?”

Comment arrives later,

“To update you Addy, because I really needed a new phone, I went out and bought myself one.”

You cannot know the situation he is in with his mother and daughter. I imagine he is under pressure by his daughter’s jealousy towards you, and felt forced to buy her one, and forgo yours. He’s more than likely grateful that you are mature and level-headed, and may assume you understand his situation.

He may not have had the money to buy everyone a phone, and is embarrassed to talk to you about it. If you take the stance that it’s a red flag, and suddenly put yourself on high alert, you may be hurting your relationship.

Perhaps, you could give him some rope; he will appreciate this in the future. It will show him that you are the bigger person, and will score you points instead of faults. He may surprise you with something in the future. If you criticize him for it, it may hurt him, causing a trigger that results in a reluctance to offering and buying gifts: as in promising gifts equals trouble.

If he does this repeatedly, makes promises then breaks them, then I can see concerning yourself with red flags, but people often make promises they can’t keep for reasons unknown to us, so I wouldn’t consider this something to be highly concerned about.

Seeing your new phone that you bought for yourself is probably making him feel badly enough.

Take The High Road

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A relationships friend asks,

“My boyfriend and I were together for a year and a half and just broke up. He has a lot of demons and personal struggles that he needs to manage before he can have a successful relationship. We didn’t have a horrible breakup, but it certainly wasn’t a good one either. We frequented the same spots before we met and went there together and now I see that we both continue to do so now that we’re apart.

He obviously isn’t too worried about running in to me if he’s continuing to go to these places and I don’t want to feel like I have to give up my favorite spots just because he’s there. My friends spend time there as well. I know the initial run-in will probably be awkward and I don’t think either one of is interested in watching the other flirt, but I’d just rather get it over with. He always had all the “power” in the relationship and it’s become a personal mission for me to prove that he’s not going to just run me out of the places that I’m comfortable being to make his life easier.”

The most important thing is you and how you will feel. Perhaps you can go back to these old watering holes some day, but for now, I should think it would be fun to try new places, and make a new start.

Don’t concern yourself with him and his power, he’s gone, and you’ll be letting him back in, and playing his game, if you go back to those places. You have nothing to prove to him, or anyone else, simply detach and release. Concern yourself only with yourself, and your new beginning.

Take the high road.

I wish you well.